Hey Luca. I know we weren't friends for that long and I know I never saw you again in person after I left college but the day I found out what happened broke me. Just remembering all the times on break or at lunch or if we didn't have a free together that day you would check up on me even if it was just for a minute, and then remembering that you were gradually opening up to me as I got to know you guys better. Even the times you didn't say alot if you were struggling that day you were always as honest as you could be and even though it didn't turn out amazing I'm so proud of you for still trying as long as you did, and for still trying to get better and just keeping up with the small things every day to make yourself happier because I know first hand even the little things can be alot but you always still tried. With all of your friends you tried and even when you didn't want to talk much or just wanted to sit in silence you were so honest and so polite trying to make everyone else around you comfortable, and not pushing anyone away, always putting other people's momentary happiness ahead or at the same level as yours. So many time I could see you wanting your quiet but you still tried with people just to be polite and honestly I wish I was that strong. I don't care that I only knew you for like half a year, with all the shit that's happened with me in college and just life in general you are one of the most caring, smartest, honest, loving and funniest friends I've ever had and one of the realest people I've ever known. I know I didn't tell you much about it but when I was struggling the small thing in my day to day like you just asking if I was okay that day or if I had eaten or actually asking how my therapy was the day before or inviting me to things or as I was first getting to you your guys friend group meant the world to me. When I first left college without telling anyone or saying goodbye I didn't really care. I wasnt really thing about anything to be honest i just wanted out, from college, home, old friends, class, everything. I just wanted out so nothing else was on my mind for the first few month. Then as it gradually caught up to me I remember thinking about all the people I wish I still saw everyday and I wish I had said bye when I had the chance but whatever because I had to leave to get better and yeah it sucks not saying goodabye but those who actually cared about my mental health would understand that right? Or atleast you guys would. I know you understood me going silent for so long, and I know you understood that I still cared. But it gradually caught up to me that I really did just leave everyone without saying bye to you first, but it's fine cuz I can just talk to you tomorrow right? And I actually did. I started talking to people again, I'm back with my friend group from inspire and I've never been happier, and i was going through people on my Instagram but it was late at night so I just put it off again til tomorrow, then the next day I just wasn't feeling it again, and I just kept putting it off then like 2 weeks later and I'm genuinely feeling kidna happy, like general happy all day and in the middle of the night I'm scrolling on insta and I just see fraser and graces story saying "fly high luca" and I'm just thinking what the fuck. Because there's no way, I just saw luca when I was at my final college meeting and he was fine right. And i jsut started spiralling to everyone i spoke to. At first I didn't read or ask what happened because I already knew, I just wanted to know if it was true and not just some crazy college prank. When I called raj at like 2 in the morning and he told me I don't think I've ever broken down so quickly over anything. That whole week was one of the last times i think I ever thought or wanted to truly hurt myself. Because after that, every time anything bad has happened wether it's the smallest thing or something huge I never let myself get there and that's because of you. Everyday you tried you r hardest for everyone and I know that was so hard for you and now I'm going to do the same. Just thinking about how quick this whole year went by for me and I just let it slip, meanwhile you were actually trying to get better, you were taking all the steps I never wanted to and yet I'm the one who's here. It's not fair of me to be given that grace just to carry on throwing it away because you would never have wanted me to do that. Every day I've been getting so much better and it's because of you. I'm going back to therapy because of you. I'm going to get a job like i siad i would, instead of spending another year at home can you believe. And that's because of you. I have had meeting with teachers and professors and I'm on a plan to go back to education next year and I'm going to go to university because of you. I'm gonna get my career for you and I'm gonna live out my life for you. I'm so sorry you aren't here to see it and I'm so sorry you aren't here to do the same like you wanted to, but I'm glad your somewhere better now. I'm glad you're somewhere safe and I'm glad you're somewhere happy because I know you wouldn't have found that here, and I'm glad you finally in place where u can see how much you are loved by everyone you know because I promise it's so much more than you think, and I'm proud of you for trying to stick it out when you could even when it was rough. And thank you for waking me up so I can do just that for the both of us. When I'm done, and I promise you I won't let it be anytime soon, but when I amd I can't wait to see you again after making you just as proud of me. Thank you so much for everything because you truly have changed the rest of my life and given me a future I probably wouldn't have had without you. I love you so much bro and I can't wait to see you again whenever that is. But for now just stay happy and stay safe. We all miss you buddy and when we do see you it'll feel like we saw each other yesterday so ill hang in if you do the same. I know you're always with us and every time i start to slip a luttel bit again but randomly get right back to where I'm meant to be I know that's you picking me up to keep going, every time. So thank you so much and I love you Luca. Xox
Lit by Jaime-Leigh on 10 September 2025
